One liners by the famous (Homour)

Wedding Jokes - One liners by the famous.




 

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)


Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)


 
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.  (Socrates)


A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended. (Evan Esar)


My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)



My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)



A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)



I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)



I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor' . I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake'. (Henny Youngman)



I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)



Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)



All marriages are mixed marriages. (Chantal Saperstein)



There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. (Clint Eastwood)



The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)

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Female Clown {{(>_<)}}

 

Observe her face, she will pull funny faces )) (o_o)

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Beauty of Sea Shells!

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When I died...

Are you ready?!..

I woke up suddenly one night

and saw a strange light in my room....

The problem is that the lights are off

I saw the clock, it was 3.30 in the morning

Okay...so where is all this light coming from??

----------

I turned around and saw something very strange..

My body was half way through the wall (??!)

I immediately pulled it out and sat down to see if i'm okay

.....

This is strange...

I tried to push onto the wall, but MY ARM GOES THROUGH

...
I heard a sound

I turned to my brother's bed to see him sleeping

I was really scared of what was happening to me...so I tried to wake him up....but....he doesn't reply!!

I went to my parent's bedroom..I tried to wake up my mother...and father...I just wanted somebody to react to me...

but nobody did.

I tried to wake my mother up again...she woke up this time...

-----


she got up ... but didn't communicate to me

She was saying "In the name of Allah, most Merciful, most Gracious" (بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم) again and again...

She woke my dad up saying 'get up, I want to check up on the kids.'

My dad replied in disinterest .. 'it's not time for this, let me sleep and inshAllah tomorrow i'll get to that'

But she was insisting..so he woke up.

I was THERE. I was screaming..'dad', 'mum' ... nobody was replying

I held mother's clothes to grab her attention..but she didn't recognise my existence

I followed her 'till she got to my bedroom

They got into the room and turned on the lights...
it wasn't making any difference to me anyway because there was a strong light there.

I then saw the strangest thing in my life...


my OWN BODY....on my bed.


I was trembling...how can there be two of me??...how can that person look so much like me??...and what is he doing on my bed????


I started hitting/slapping myself to wake up from this nightmare...
but it was too real to be a nightmare.


dad said 'Yalla, see the kids are sleeping.. Let's go back to bed.'

but mother wasn't at all confident...she went to the person sleeping in my bed and said

'Shahzad, wake up!! ... WAKE UP!!'

but he wouldn't reply.

She tried again and again.....but no reply.

Then i turned to see my dad tearing...
Today witnesses the first time in my life that I have seen my dad's tears.

The place was shaking with the screaming

... My brother woke up..."What's going on??!"

In a very sad tone, with tears rolling down her cheek, mother replied 'your brother's dead! Shahzad is DEAD!!'

------


I went to mother and said 'please mum...don't cry..I'm right here look at me!'

But nobody's replying to me..WHY??


I turned to Allah and asked Him to wake me up from the nightmare!

quickly following my dua was a voice saying (Quran):

" You were in negligence from this, so We uncovered the blinds and today your sight is (like iron) "

لقد كنت في غفلة من هذا فكشفنا عنك غطاءك فبصرك اليوم حديد

Suddenly two creatures held my arm..they weren't human!!

"Leave me ALONE! Who are you and what do you want from me??"

'We're your grave's guards'

I said 'but I'm not dead yet! let go of me!!'

I can still see, hear, touch, and speak..I'm not dead!

They replied with a smile : "You humans are fascinating! You think that by dying your life ends, while in fact life on Earth is a small dream compared to the Here after; a dream that ends at your death."

They started pulling me towards my grave...

On the way I saw people just like me, each had two guards like mine.

Some were smiling, others crying, others screaming.

I asked the guards 'why are they all doing that?'

They replied 'These people now know their fate...some were in ignorance so they--'

'--so they go to Hell??!' I interrupted

They said 'yes.'

and continued..

'and those laughing are going to Heaven'

I quickly replied: 'What about me..where will I go??'

They said 'you were at times a good Muslim, while other times not. One day you obey Allah, the next you disobey Him. And you weren't clear with yourself and your fate will remain so: lost.'

I replied, shaking: 'SO AM I GOING TO HELL??'

They said: ' Allah's mercy is great, and the journey is long '


I turned to see my family carrying my dead body in a coffin..so i ran to them ..

I said: 'make dua for me'

but nobody replied..

I went to my brother and warned him .. 'be careful with what you do in this life... don't be a fool like myself!'

I was really hoping that he could hear me...



The two angels (guards) tied up my soul on top of my body ..


I saw my relatives pouring sand over me ..


----

at that moment I was hoping that I would be in their place...

that I can turn to Allah and do as much as He wants from me...
that I would ask for forgiveness and once and for all repent my sins that angered Him...

but unfortunately I couldn't.

I shouted ' People, don't let this life tempt you! Wake up to the truth... one day you will DIE, and you never know when..or how. '

I hoped for somebody to hear me....nobody there did


but YOU heard me....

save yourself.

Smile to others, forgive them when you have the power to punish them. Allah forgives those that forgive others. Do your prayers regularly with an open heart. Let Allah guide your life, not Satan. Read the Quran regularly and let the Prophet (p.b.u.h) be your role model in life.

Work in this timed life for your salvation in an eternal one.


And ... make dua for me because I'm not perfect. And I point the above to myself just as much as I do to my friends.





Please spread this message to as many people as possible, for every person whose heart it touches Allah will reward you in this life and the hereafter.

Keep the chain GOING

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Real Life... (Real Photoshop)

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Extra Marital Affairs (Funny Read & Enjoy)

Extra Marital Affairs

************************************************************************

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"

************************************************************************

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

************************************************************************

The 3rd Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."

************************************************************************

The 4th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

************************************************************************

The 5th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

 

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THAI FOOD

 

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best Jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sardar: My mobile bill how much?
Call centre girl: sir, just dial 123to know current bill status
Sardar: Stupid, not CURRENT BILL my MOBILE BILL.
 
 

Doctor to patient: You will die within 2 hours. Do you want to see any one before you die?
Patient: Yes. A good doctor..
 
 

Q: How do you make a sardarji laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
 
 

Sardar: I think that girl is deaf..
Friend: How do u know?
Sardar: I told I Love her, but she said her chappals are new
 
 

Friend: I got a brand new Ford IKON for my wife!
Sardar: Wow!!! That's an unbelievable exchange offer!!!
 
  Teacher: Which is the oldest animal in world?
Sardar: ZEBRA
Teacher: How?
Sardar: Bcoz it is Black & White

Judge: Don't U have shame? It is d 3rd time U R coming to court..
Sardar to judge: U R coming daily, don't U have shame?
 
 

Question: "Should Women have Children after 35?"
Smart Sardar Replied: "No!
35 Children R More than Enough!!"


Sardar attending an interview in Software Company.
Manager: Do U know MS Office?
Sardar: If U give me the address I will go there sir.
 
 (Best one)
Sardar got a sms from his girl friend:
"I MISS YOU"
Sardarji replied:
"I Mr YOU" !!.
 
 
After finishing MBBS Sardar started his practice. He Checked 1st Patient's Eyes, Tongue & Ears By Torch & Finallly Said:
"Torch is okay"
 
Sardar1: Oye, what will happen if electricity is not discovered?
Sardar2: Nothing, we must watch TV in candle light.
 
Sardar in airplane going 2 Bombay .. While its landing he shouted: " Bombay ... Bombay "
Air hostess said: "B silent."
Sardar: "Ok.. Ombay. Ombay"

Teacher: "What is common between JESUS, KRISHNA , RAM, GANDHI and BUDHA?"
Sardar: "All are born on government holidays...! !!

   Sir: What is difference between Orange and Apple ?
Sardar: Color of Orange is orange, but color of Apple is not APPLE

 

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NEW SPEED LIMIT ROAD BOARDS

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Something From Japan.

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