Urgently Wanted : Federal Ministers of Pakistan

 

Urgently Wanted : Federal  Ministers of Pakistan

  

The Federal cabinet, currently operating with a small team of sixty one members, urgently requires experienced and dynamic new ministers to fill up a large number of challenging  assignments lying vacant due to  the non-availability  of suitably qualified and experienced candidates.

 The Ministers required are:

 

Ø      Minister for promotion of vani,  karokari and jirgas.  The applicant must be able to show bonafide evidence of his participation in at least 10 jirgas. Knowledge and deep personal commitment to the traditions of Vani, Karo kari and other similar compensatory mechanisms is an essential pre-requisite.   

 

Ø      Minister for burials and graveyards: This is a sensitive assignment and would require improvement in burial procedures specially relating to those women who are pre-maturely killed for such heinous crimes as wanting to  get married to persons of their own choice.  Preference will be given to ex-senators and those already serving in provincial cabinets.

 

Ø      Minister for pointing fingers:  This highly complex assignment requires the  minister  to point fingers during press conferences, typically towards carefully selected journalists, to indicate who should speak next.

 

Ø      Minister for elimination of wild boars, dogs and other such animals:  This ministry is not as simple as it looks.   The  minister will be responsible to get the unwanted wild boars out of the President and the PM House.  He/she  shall also be responsible to create a strategy for elimination of dogs from Khairpur and other such  districts, where they are currently being  used to maul women whenever  ordered by  a local jirga.  As either the Jirgas or the dogs must be eliminated to get rid of this menace , the government has decided to retain the Jirgas and get rid of the dogs. 

 

Ø       Minister for non-religious affairs: We already have  six ministers, one each for   Ushar, Zakat, Haj, Moon-sighting, Muharram and other  Religious affairs.  We now need a minister who could point out what is non-religious about all these religious ministries. Candidates who have been earlier allotted free agricultural lands or diesel licenses need not apply.

 

Ø      Minister for unofficial foreign visits:   This minister will be full time responsible to create reasons, make arrangements, issue statements and plan yet more  official looking unofficial visits for the  president and the prime Minister.   His task is to keep these two gentlemen out of the country for at least 75% of the time.   

 

 Qualification & Experience:

 

Applicants  must possess verifiable evidence of  skill and excellence in their  area of expertise.   While a formal degree is not required, a non-recognisable vague qualification such as diploma in 'education' from any unknown institute would be desirable. Those with experience of driving around  without number plates,  participating or presiding in Jirgas, wanted by courts or having been in jail for corruption charges  would be given preference.

 

 Salary, allowances and privileges.

As you are primarily interested only in serving the   poor people of Pakistan, your basic salary shall be Rs.80,000 per month only.  Your hard work shall however be partly compensated by  perks and perquisites, some of which are mentioned below:

 

a.        One Prado/land Cruiser for self and three  for staff and family.

b.        A monthly foreign trip to observe elections being held in a country of your choice.  Additional trips can be arranged depending upon your areas of expertise.  These could be leading a Pakistani delegation to an  interfaith conference, Kashmir conference , cultural conference, sports conference, or a conference on how to identify where such conferences are being held.

c.        Two free 'Umras' per year, that include a  4 nights stay  in Saudi Arabia in a 5 star hotel.  All expenses paid.

d.        One free bungalow in Islamabad in any sector of your choice

e.        Unlimited free travel and stay throughout Pakistan.

f.          You may recommend upto 8000 friends, relatives and well wishers  to receive monthly grants  from Mohtrama Shaheed Benazir Bhutto fund.

g.        You may recommend upto three  hundred  friends, relatives and  well wishers  per month to get employment in government organisations.

h.        Free use of President House for Mehndi, marriage, and Valima ceremony for self, family and friends.  Advance booking is  recommended to avoid disappointment.

i.           Free medical treatment and medicines  for self, friends and family. This facility however does not include free compensation for any violence that you and your family members may commit against the medical staff of the hospital.